A bit of background is in order here. The Tractor Tales board was created as an area for “Off Topic” discussions. Most of us used to hang out on the Tractor Talk board, and we would wander off on tangents that some folks found distracting, as they rarely had anything to do with tractors, being more dedicated to smart-ass replies to innocent questions and such. Our host, Miss Kim, was kind enough to create a place for those of us inclined to such behavior to play without bothering the “serious” tractor people. Miss Kim runs a class act intended for the entire family, and don’t tolerate any crude language in her parlor. As a result, Talers started using codes and euphemisms to get some of their more ribald points across. The Taler Dictionary attempts to explain those and other terms that, on the surface, don’t make any sense to folks who might otherwise have a pretty firm grasp of the English Language As She is Spoke.

For those non-Taler types who may have wandered in, and have no clue what I'm talking about, Tractor Tales is a bulletin board for wisenheimers on an antique tractor site. If you find this "dictionary" amusing, you might like to lurk on Tales too. It's available here.


aerosol overhaul – Painting an old, nasty, rusty, greasy, broken-down piece of shutt and trying to sell it as a “restored” tractor. See also: Dupont Restoration.


Alias Clunker – Much of the Taler’s store of repartee revolves around making fun of other people’s tractors and other vehicles. Most any brand of tractor has a derogatory nickname. An “Alias Clunker” is more commonly known as an Allis Chalmers. See also: dorF, Crackain’tshutt, Farmalittle, Jack Sheep, Messy Hurtus, Messy Flubberson, Minnecrapolis Moldine, Oilallover, VACuum.


Banjo Land In this particular case, we are referring to rural areas of Missouri and the Ozarks in general. The term originates from the movie Deliverance, particularly from the “Dueling Banjos” sequence.


Barley Pops - Beer. Also known as “Barley Noodle Soup, without the noodles.”


Bigfoots – One of the earliest members of Tales went by the handle of Old Farmer. OF was quite a guy, WWII veteran, lifelong farmer, and accomplished story teller. One of the recurring themes was things that would mysteriously happen around the place. After some investigation, he discovered that he had a Bigfoot living on the farm somewhere that would “help” with some tasks. So, when something gets moved, or comes up missing, or gets broken, we now assume that “Bigfoots” did it.

Old Farmer passed on a couple of years back, and is memorialized here


BHT – Big Heavy Thing. Mounted to the three-point hitch on a loader tractor as a counterweight. Usually constructed of whatever might be laying around. Tyler (formerly of Washington, presently of Texas) built one using bed iron, a cut off 55 gallon drum and a bunch of concrete. I once made one in an emergency by running a piece of pipe through the cam bearings on a derelict dorF engine (there’s another kind?) and using a bit of chain as a top link. Fertile ground for the imagination of your average Taler.


Big Fred’s diplomas for procrastination – One of the regulars on Tales, Big Fred from the Pacific NorthWET, purports to be the Grand Poobah of Procrastination. One of the basic tenets of the Tales Board is that if it’s on Tales, it must be true. Big Fred has posted tales of some truly stupendous feats of procrastination, and has been appointed the Official Professor of Procrastination for Talers. Particularly deserving Talers can receive a diploma from Big Fred’s School of Professional Procrastination. As soon as he gets around to it, that is…


Bingo Ladies – The core constituent of Kev(IA)’s social life. While “superannuated” might be somewhat of an overstatement, it is not completely out of line. Think “Depends”, “Geritol” and walkers.


Bi-Tractoral – Talers tend to have allegiance to one brand of tractors to the exclusion of all other brands. However, if you have an antique, but need a modern tractor to do some actual work, it is often impossible to stay true to your brand, as many of the older tractors are no longer made. When one (reluctantly) goes to a competing brand, that person is referred to as being Bi-tractoral.


Bob The Duck – Another regular on Tales is Bobduck. He has a pet duck named Bob. Bob the Duck has a tendency to show up in the oddest places.


Bob bin-Duckin – Bob the Duck’s middle eastern cousin. Wears a tiny little towel on his head, and swoops down out of the sky terrorizing innocent duck hunters.


BOW – Boy of the Week. A couple of our regulars are blessed with young and attractive daughters. Some are dating, some would if mean old Dad would let them, and some will be directly. Keeping track of the BOW and making sure a loaded shotgun is in view at all times become the primary task during these years.


Buff yer kitten cannon – Hmmmmm. Well. Yesss...uhhhhh how to word this? It might be enlightening to skip ahead to "Hand Clutch" by way of preparation. There are certain solo activities rumored to be wildly popular with post-pubescent males, that are invariably and very firmly discouraged by said P-PM's Mothers. One of the many illogical (and certainly unproven) warnings against such inappropriate activity is that "Every time you do that, God kills a kitten." It is self-evident that if that were true, cats would have been extinct sometime in the early Cretaceous...


Cat Parts – I have mentioned that smartass responses to innocent questions have been known to occur on Tales. One poor, unsuspecting individual posted to ask if anyone knew of a source for “cat parts”, intending of course to get some parts for a Caterpillar of some sort or another. A Taler who shall remain nameless allowed as how he’d just neutered a tomcat, and would be willing to sell “cat parts” for a very reasonable fee. Apparently, our innocent interloper was a bit more tightly wound than average, and found this frivolous response highly inflammatory and got quite indignant. Of course all the other Talers who happened to be online at the time showed him the proper amount of sympathy for such egregious maltreatment.


Chicago Flophouse – Where Augie is gonna wind up, due to his unrelenting Conservative ways. See also: Talerban, gerbil, lieburral


Chicken Bars – AKA Wheelie Bars. An attachment to tractors used in Tractor Pulls, to prevent rearward upset in the event that the puller has A) misjudged the available traction, B) completely and utterly blown the setup on the weights, or C) cheated waaaaaaay too much on the governor.


Christmas Goose – As in, “Full of shutt as a…”


Congratudolences – Most Talers are married. Most married Talers realize that they are VERY lucky to have found a woman that will put up with a Taler. When a Taler posts a note about an upcoming wedding anniversary, the responses go something like "Congratulations, ya old so-and-so, and condolences to Mrs. So-and-so." In the interest of brevity, (and I'm a big fan of brevity...) I shortened it to "Congratudolences".


Compuker – The device used to access Tales. There are two kinds of computer owners: Those that HAVE had their computer puke up the OS, and those that will.


Correct Police – The folks who insist that every nut, bolt, washer and cotter pin on a restored tractor be an original. They rain abuse from their lofty perch on anyone who dare have the effrontery to use a muffler that is an inch higher than the originals. They are donkey-holes.


Crackaintshutt – A reference to a particular Cockshutt tractor. Matt is another Taler regular, and shows up in a couple of different places in this dictionary. He has a Cockshutt Blackhawk tractor that he had done quite a bit of engine work on. One winter, he sorta neglected to drain the water out of the block, and all his work went down the tubes when it froze and cracked the block. The outpouring of sympathy from other Talers for Matt’s unfortunate plight woulda brought a tear to the eye of a wooden Indian.


creates a vacuum – A publicly acceptable way to say “sucks”, which crudism is frowned on in some circles. As in “My boss made me drive a Zetor today. MAN that tractor creates a vacuum!”


Cub in the shed – A certain Taler (we won’t mention any names, Red) is quite fond of the ladies on The Weather Channel. Weather Heather in particular, although this has been long enough ago that she may have been replaced. In any event, at one point, Heather or one of the other girls was showing signs of impending Motherhood. In the tradition of speaking of things female in tractor terms, it was said that she had “a Cub in the shed”.


Dish Pit – A couple of hints here: 1) It's designed to defeat the potty filter. 2) It's an anagram. See if you can figure it out on your own. If not, email me


Dobber Fumes – A “dobber” is that hyperthyroid marker Bingo Ladies use to mark their card. When you get a small room filled with a couple of hundred of them, the concentration of fumes approaches the ignition point, and can cause dain bramage. Which sorta explains a lot about Kev(IA). See also: Bingo Ladies


Donkey – A euphemism for “ass”. As in “Kiss my donkey!”


dorF – A derogatory name for Fords, be it tractor or truck. Plays on the term “dork”, implying that anyone that would drive a dorF is a dork.


Duck Odor – Nickname for a Dodge Dakota pickup. See also: Duhkoter


Duhkoter – Nickname for a Dodge Dakota pickup. See also: Duck Odor


Dupont Restoration – A tractor that is advertised as “restored” when in fact all that has happened is that is has been painted. Usually poorly painted, with spraybombs, over the existing rust, grease, grime, decals and oil leaks. The owner of a Dupont Restoration usually thinks it’s a rare, expo-quality machine, worth an insane number comprised largely of zeroes. Or, in other words, nearly as much as a John Deere. See also: Aerosol restoration.


Empty the spreader – Most of the threads on Tales contain very little information that the average tractor enthusiast would find useful. So much so in fact, that Miss Kim only keeps 2 or 3 pages of it and no archives whatsoever, while the rest of the forums may have 15 or 20 pages and archives going back to the very origins of the site. When a thread rolls off the end of the last page, it is referred to as “emptying the spreader.” It implies (rightfully so) that the information on Tales is just so much manure. Specifically, bullshit.


ETD – Essex Tri Directional. A (some say) imaginary tractor of truly remarkable capabilities. John Deere and others have bi-directional units that can be used with equal facility forwards or backwards. An ETD can be used in THREE dimensions. A discussion revolving around the genesis, capabilities, design and fabrication of the ETD was the straw that broke the camel’s back on Tractor Talk and led to the creation of Tractor Tales. That alone guarantees the ETD a place in history. More details are available here.


Experienced tractors/machinery – Used tractors. Not to put too fine a point on it, VERY used. As in “Slo’s Experienced Tractor Emporium and Assemblage of Agricultural Artifacts.”


Farmalittle – A Farmall.


Fawteen, pull a – Among other things, indulging in creative driving of large apparatus, specifically fire trucks. Getting a fire truck sideways on icy roads whilst responding to a call at a precipitous pace in the dead of winter, to be precise. An extremely effective way to test the tensile strength of seat-covering materials. Any activity that involves steering at high speed while looking out either (and sometimes both) side window(s). Not recommended for those with heart problems or hypertension.


Fawteen Wave, the – Talers are by nature a friendly bunch. We don’t let little details like not being able to see each other via our compukers keep us from waving to each other when the occasion calls for it. Of course, like most Taler terms, there’s a catch. It’s all in how many (and which) fingers you use…


Flat Rocker – A particularly heavy rainstorm. The volume of liquid is said to be similar to that of a double-orificed heifer micturating on a flat rock.


FM, pull a – Farmer Mike (FM) is another of the regular Talers (although the phrase “regular Taler” is probably an oxymoron). Mike’s primary claim to fame is the time he inadvertently bid $2000 on an Ebay item he meant to bid $20 on. (Pesky decimal points…) Mikey is also on a mission to find himself a Tractor Girl. So far, he has been pretty much unsuccessful. But, ya gotta give him an “A” for Effort, as he was willing to (and actually did) drive from Ohio to Maine to check out a prospect. Therefore, when a Taler does something similarly endearing, it is referred to as “pulling an FM”.UPDATE , February 2010: FM was sucessful in his search for a Tractor Girl. They were married last year, and just announced that they are expecting their first Cub Cadet! Just like a romance novel. Fairly warms the Cockshutts of yer heart, don't it?


Ford Sweaty – An early victim of “the Skillet”. One of our younger Talers posted a picture of a scantily clad lady of generous proportions. Excessively generous. We’re talking 500 pounds minimum here. In a string bikini. Many lunches were wasted before that post was deleted. She was memorialized as Ford Sweaty, as modified from “sweety”.


Frog strangler – A torrential downpour. A monsoon. See also: Flat Rocker


Frustrated Chicken – Folks that are frustrated are often flustered as well. So it's a short step from "Frustrated Chicken" to "Flustered Chicken". Then, if your brain works like a Taler (which is probably an oxymoron...) you can easily make the transition from Flustered Chicken to Fluster Cluck. I'll leave the next transistion to you, Gentle Reader...


Full fenders – One of the more famous threads in the history of Tales revolved around a discussion of the charms of various females (and the recreational possibilities therewith…) using tractor terms so as to avoid offending Miss Kim’s sensibilities. I’m not entirely sure myself what a “full-fendered” gal would look like, but the mind fairly boggles…See also: Styled, Unstyled, Headlights, Hand Clutch, High Beams


FUP, or Fup – A, ummm, ahem, "Foul-up". Most notably, a person hired by Germ or Slo. A Fup specializes in not showing up for work, showing up late, spending all their time on their GD cellphone, and breaking stuff. It should be noted that none, and I mean none of the inexplicable and unfortunate things that happen to a Fup are their fault.


GD – An acronym substituted for any number of mild expletives, such as “Gol Dang” or the like, specifically NOT taking the Lord’s Name in vain. Another of the more famous threads on Tales took this to hilarious lengths after a particularly hypocritical lurker took offense to a phrase along the lines of “that GD thing like to broke my arm!”


Gerbil - Certain Talers are famous (or perhaps infamous) for their Rock-Ribbed Republican beliefs. While this is the statistically predominate mindset of Talers, certain others are at the opposite end of the political spectrum. As you might imagine, when you combine the generally irreverent atmosphere of Tales with the explosive possibilities of political extremes, things occasionally get ugly. Conservative Talers got labeled “Talerban” (from the Taliban) and Liberals got labeled as “Gerbils”. The term “Gerbil” is considered more than somewhat derogatory, deriving as it does from Richard Gere’s (a notorious Hollyweird Liberal if you’ll pardon my redundancy) sexual practice of “felching”. If you really need to know what felching is, look it up yerself, I damn sure ain’t going into it here. See also: Talerban, lieburral


Germ's Wallet. - Germ (derived from his initials, JRM) is a business owner, and teased about being blessed with an excess of cash. When a Taler runs across something he just can’t pass up, but is too broke to buy, he simply dips into Germ’s Wallet. See also: Red’s Credit Card


Get Skilleted – As I’ve pointed out, Miss Kim runs a class act. When things get too racy or argumentative, the firm but ever-tolerant Miss Kim deletes the offending posts. This is referred to as “getting the skillet” as in the old comedy schtick where the wife whacks the offending husband upside the head with a skillet.


Goat Head Store – Dodge uses a Ram’s Head as their corporate emblem. To show the appropriate amount of disrespect for folks lucky enough to own a Dodge, it’s referred to as a “Goat’s Head”. Obviously, the Goat Head Store is where one goes to buy a REAL truck. (Prejudiced? ME?)


Great State of Disrepair, the – Illinois. Apparently, most of the tax money gets spent in Chicago, the rest of the state sort of lives on the crumbs.


Green Weenie – A John Deere. Specifically, a John Deere Lawn & Garden tractor.


Hairlip Duck – A Mack truck. From the sound one imagines a hairlipped duck would make. “Mack, mack, mack…”


Hand clutch – The straight answer is that some older tractors (John Deere for instance) used a hand lever to engage/disengage the clutch instead of a foot pedal. However, this particular term cropped up in that famous discussion of females in tractor terms. In this context, Hand Clutch refers to, ummmm, how shall I put this…”Manual Stimulation”. Think also of “shifting for oneself”.


Headlights – The frontal, secondary sexual attributes of the female of the species. As in “Whadda set of headlights!”


Herd Gram – One those emails we all get where the TO: block bears a striking similarity to the NYC phonebook. Usually a joke. It is rumored that there are as many dead people in the Herd Gram TO: block as there are on the rolls of Registered Democrats.


Hey Leftys – A formal prayer assigned as penance for some horrible, unthinkable transgression like agreeing with a liberal. Lefty is a plankowner on Tales and got his name because, even moreso than most Talers, he just ain't right. Hey, Lefty, full of chili, the Farce is with you. Blessed are you among web geeks, and blessed is the fruit of your keyboard, weirdness.


High Beams – a reference to the erectile tissues of the aureolae becoming engorged due to stimulation and/or temperature differentials forcing the terminal point (i.e.: nipple) to be strongly and prominently projected outward and noticeable as in "a bit nipply out this morning"


Hoss Spittle – Hospital. As in “Hadda take my wife to the Hoss Spittle today”.


Huge Heifer – Kev(IA), in order to modestly conceal his impressive Taler Physique, wore a bathrobe at the Second Annual Taler Reunion. Someone made a connection with Hugh Hefner’s habit of going about similarly clad. Kev is what ya might call a Big Boy, so it got modified somewhat to Huge Heifer.


I dunno, but RICE EQUIPMENT – Rice Equipment is one of the premier sources for old Farmall parts. I rarely miss a chance to recommend them. Someone on the Farmall board took issue with that and (whether seriously or not I’m still not sure) took a couple of shots at me. Now, whenever any question at all about Farmalls comes up, there’s a rousing chorus of RICE EQUIPMENT!



IDF'n – There was a feller that posted regularly on Tales who's handle was Indiana Dirt Farmer, which soon got shortened to IDF. This feller led a highly interesting and eventful life. Many of his stories were, well, "improbable" is about the kindest way to put it. IDF got REAL defensive if you questioned his veracity, and quite huffy if you proved conclusively that he was guilty of gilding the lilly. This feller ladled out more bullshit than a Patz Barn Cleaner. So, if someone suspects you are being somewhat less that completely factual and totally honest, you run the risk of being accused of "IDF'n". In fairness, it should be noted that there are those who to this day feel that everything IDF posted was the Gospel Truth, and those of us who's BS meters are still smoking are terrible, suspicious nasty-minded heathens.


Idiot Cubes – Small square bales of hay. Except for the horsey set and hobby farmers, this method of making hay has been pretty much supplanted by large round bales which is much less labor intensive.


Inactive materials inventory – As time goes by, parts for old tractors and other farm equipment get harder and harder to come by. As a result, it is fairly common practice to grab any old remnant and stash it behind a shed somewhere as a source of spares. Wives, for some inexplicable reason, have a tendency to regard this priceless collection as an eyesore. Wiser heads see it as an “inactive materials inventory”.


Indianner – Indiana


Injun-Ear – An Engineer, of whatever discipline. Big Fred is one, Joyce is another. From time to time, either will slip up and actually provide a straight answer to a question, usually regarding some Rube Goldberg that some Taler is cobbling together.


IST – Involuntary Sensitivity Training. Usually precipitated by voicing an excessively ratwing opinion, being derogatory or in some way offending some liberal-ass loser with a thin skin. May result in temporary banishment or a skilleting (see "Get the Skillet") Can usually be counteracted by a quick Starving Pygmy Prayer.


Jack Sheep – A John Deere. “Jack” is a common diminutive for “John” and sheep are generally (and accurately) regarded as one of the stupider creatures God saw fit to create.


Jesus Wept – The shortest verse in the Bible. In Talerspeak, the absolute ultimate expression of despair and hopelessness, usually brought on by some truly stupendous manifestation of the apparently unlimited human capacity for stupidity


Kalifornicator – California, or a resident thereof. Similar to Kalifornication, the tendency to build a house or business on every spare square foot of dirt available.


Kebooter – A Kubota. One of the few foreign tractors that gets any respect at all on Tales, and not much at that.


Law of Flat Surfaces, The (TLFS) – A phenomenon that occurs in most Taler shops. No matter how big a Taler shop may be, all flat surfaces are quickly covered with "stuff". TLFS is a nearly insurmountable problem. One may think that adding shelves (thus creating more flat surfaces) they will be able to keep other "needed" flat surfaces from falling victim to TLFS. This is a temporary solution at best. It must be pointed out that TLFS should not be confused with a messy work area. A messy work area can lead to frustration when one cannot find the part or tool they are looking for. Taler shops with TLFS issues usually know where stuff is, it just takes a while to get to it. (Bear in mind, a floor is a flat surface, walking from Point A to Point B in a Taler shop can be an adventure.)


Lebanese – A tongue-in, ummmm "cheek" description of an Alternate Lifestyle referring to ladies who prefer the company of other ladies. Usage: "That ol' gal won't go out with me no matter what I do. I think she must be one of them lebanese."


Let the smoke out – It is a scientific fact that electrical and electronic equipment works on smoke. Think about it. When you let the smoke out of a piece of equipment, it quits working doesn’t it? What could be more obvious?


Lieburral – A liberal. Actually a triple shot: Lie – implying that most of the “facts” referred to by liberals are suspect at best; burr – a reference to Burrhead, a troll who’s main purpose in life seems to be stirring up shit; and al – a reference to The Worlds Biggest Whiney Loser, Al Gore. (Guess which side of the fence I’m on) See also: Gerbil


Lincoln LocTite – Talers as a group tend to buy experienced equipment as a "cost saving measure" BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA...uh, 'scuse me...This equipment invariably requires some, uh...TLC. Okay, maintenance. ALRIGHT ALREADY...Major Repairs. Extensive body work. A whacking great infusion of cash. In a (usually fruitless) attempt to stem the hemorrhage of cash, loose things that shouldn't be are welded in place rather than replaced with pricey new parts. LocTite works great on threads. For the bigger stuff, there's 6011 rod, and Lincoln makes some of the best.


Mental floss – What one uses to get images such as Ford Sweaty out of one’s mind.


M-Roid - This is a very recent development. Our Taler Friend Centaur Nut (who as you might gather from his handle, collects and restores Centaur tractors) was presented with an offer he simply could not refuse, and became the proud owner of a Farmall M. The process of getting the tractor running was pretty straightforward (it IS, after all, a Farmall) but the process of getting the durn thing PAINTED has been more than somewhat trying. Hence, it’s new name, The M-roid.


Mailbox Harvesting - Germ’s business includes commercial snowplowing. Snowplow drivers have on rare occasions allowed their enthusiasm and urge to do a good job overpower their depth perception and gotten a mite too close to a mailbox. In confrontations between mailboxes and plow trucks, the mailbox may be assumed to be the loser.


Maine State Flag – A blue plastic tarp. So called because in the more rural sections of Maine, they are ubiquitous. Used to cover anything from a leaky roof to a $40,000 fifth wheel camper. The fact that the actual flag of the State O’ Maine has a solid blue field also figures in.


Massive Hairlip – A Massey Harris tractor. See also: Messy Hurtus


Matt, pull a – If you’re perusing this tome in alphabetical order, you’ve already met Matt. One of his multiple claims to fame is getting his tractor stuck. Actually, “stuck” is too mild a term. Buried. Interred. Inundated. Totally Screwed. Anyone who manages to get themselves in a similar situation and is silly enough to mention it on Tales refers to it as “pulling a Matt”.


Messy Flubberson – A Massey Furgeson tractor.


Messy Hurtus – A Massey Harris tractor. See also: Massive Hairlip


Minnecrapolis-Moldine – A putrid yellow tractor more conventionally known as a Minneapolis Moline, or a Minnie Mo.


Minnie Mo Starter – A chain. The assumption (entirely justified) is that no Minneapolis-Moline tractor can be counted on to start without being pulled. Preferably by a Jack Sheep…


Missery – Missouri. Augie works in one of Missery’s bigger cities, Clumsy (Columbia) See also: Banjo Land


Moldy Boots – AKA Big Mike, one of the Tales regulars. Big Mike styles himself a “stallion” and would have us believe that he is similarly endowed. Others of us (the sober ones) tend to believe that The Bigster is more likely endowed in such a manner that he tends to dribble on his boots when micturating. Hence, “moldy boots”.

Mosquito Hammer - Big Fred sez the skeeters get REAL bad in his home state of North Dakota. When he was out tending the cows he always kept a ball peen hammer in his back pocket. Sure enough, while out by the cows, a swarm of skeeters came looking for soft flesh. He ducked under a 55 gal drum but the poor cows lost about 20# each. The next day the same thing happened but the skeeters were stronger from the previous days attack. They were able to punch their beaks through the 55 gal drum where Big Fred was hiding so BF used the hammer to bend over the skeeter beaks from inside the drum. Those skeeters all lifted together and last BF saw of them, they were headed south, carrying the drum.

Mrs. Red’s Chili – A comestible concoction that one consumes only with trepidation. The immediate effect of the wholesale destruction of your upper GI tract pales in comparison to the delayed effects, methane-wise. If scientists can devise a container that will withstand the corrosive effects, it could well put the bio-diesel folks right out of business.


Ms. Fawteen – My handle on Tales is “Fawteen”, which is in itself a vernacular permutation of “Fourteen”, referring originally to my F-14 tractor. Ms. Fawteen is my cross-dressing alter ego. Her picture in her parade frock is guaranteed to cure the hiccups, induce vomiting and scare small children out of a year’s growth. Said picture resides here, if you dare…


Muncie Star – A “newspaper” (I use the term loosely) out of Muncie, Indiana. (Indiana has a very high population of Talers). Apparently, the little plastic box that The Muncie Star is deposited in at Poverty Knob disappeared sometime during the First Annual Taler’s Reunion. The general opinion is that it was mistaken for a mailbox and “harvested”.


Mz Kim's Parlor – The Yesterday’s Tractors site in general, and the Tales board in particular. One is expected to behave with appropriate propriety while a guest in Miss Kim’s Parlor.


Nonlinear Waterfowl Issues – A distinct lack of organization, usually precipated by failure to follow the Seven P's: Proper prior planning prevents piss poor performance. In short, failure to have your ducks in a row..


Norfolk & Way – Similar to "dishpit", it's all in how (and how quickly) you say it. A fairly emphatic answer in the negative vein. As in “Was that you I saw driving that Minnie-Mo?” "Norfolk & Way, Dude!"


Noo Hampster (also, Cow Hampshah) – New Hampshire


Noo Yawk – New York. In most cases it refers to The City, as in “Noo Yawk Shitty”


Ohiyer – Ohio


Oil Cans – Large containers of imported Barley Pop. ScottyHONeY has been known to empty a few. All in the interests of recycling and conservation of course. We’re talking about a significant amount of aluminum here…


Oilallover – An Oliver tractor.


Parade Frock – A particularly fetching purple dress worn by Ms. Fawteen. See also: Ms. Fawteen


Partial Restoration – It ran when parked…


Pebble – A Chevy truck. From their ad campaign “Like a Rock”.


Pennsyltucky – A reference to the hill country of PA, and the redneck hillbillies that live there.


ping(pong) – A reference to the exchange of emails, usually multiple messages. The term “ping” is an actual computer term used to describe the process of querying a node on a network to see if it is active. An adaptation of Sonar terminology wherein a sonar pulse (a “ping”) is sent out and is reflected off the target. When several messages get sent back and forth, the connection to “Ping-Pong” is fairly obvious.


Post holes fer sale, original or the new pre tamped – The topic of yet another Tales Board discussion/get rich quick scheme. The originator offered to send a flatbed load of pre-dug postholes to a feller that was building a fence. Seeing as these were telephone post holes, they would need to be cut to length for normal fence applications.


Potty Filter – Even the best-intentioned Taler occasionally allows his emotions to overcome his manners and types one of the many expletives Miss Kim finds offensive. She has installed software to detect this sort of naughtiness and block the message from posting. In fact, the Potty Filter is the reason for many, if not all, of the euphemisms listed in The Taler’s Dictionary.


Punfest – Some Talers, (who shall remain nameless) are prone to puns. There is absolutely no telling what will set off a punfest, but when it happens, it’s a Beautiful Thing. It turns into something of a contest, both to see who can come up with the worst groaner on a given subject, and how long the thread can get without repeating itself.


Recto-Cranial Inversion – a physiological unlikelyhood wherein one has one’s head inserted in one’s anus, thereby engendering a shutty outlook on life. Common among lieburrals.


Red, pull a – The Red Fritz is yet another of the regulars and one of the originals. Red has three major claims to fame. The time he forgot to retract the auger on the combine he was driving and wrapped it around a tree, the time he raised the header on a combine he was working on and drove the open engine hatch through the window on the cab, and his Super Way Above Platinum No-Limit Credit Card (similar to Germ’s Wallet). So, when one inadvertently breaks a window, or prangs some appendage or another on a piece of equipment, it’s called “pulling a Red”.


Red’s Chicken Coop – Red is quite fond of the female of the species, even for a Taler. He claims to keep a bevy of “spares” on hand, and in order to reduce the likelihood of a SERIOUS skillet-whomping from Mrs. Red, he has hidden them in his “chick(en) coop”. At one point, there was a move afoot to change his handle to “Rhode Island Red”.


Red’s Credit Card – See Germ’s Wallet


Rodentii Farmallensis - The meeses installed in the clutch housing of a Farmall tractor. First cousins toRodentii Rangerensis. Big Fred is the premier breeder of these cuddly little critters.


Safety Nazis – The folks who jump in uninvited on any thread where some activity they deem unsafe is mentioned, and issue all sorts of dire predictions and outright threats. Allowing anyone to ride on the tractor while you’re plowing, for instance, will result in an uproar. Any activity resulting in the front wheels of the tractor leaving the ground is particularly reprehensible to them. They are donkey-holes.


Sailboat fuel – Wind. One of our infrequent (but wicked funny) contributors, Noah W., offered to sell several 55-gallon drums at a very attractive price.


SBR – A Taler-unique acronym. Stands for Swallow Before Reading. The idea is to prevent the reader from spewing his lunch or favorite beverage all over the screen of his compuker when he reads something particularly humorous or gross. Or both.


SET Tax – Spousal Equity Tax. If you’re lucky, it only amounts to 100 percent of the cost of whatever it was you bought without SWMBO’s blessing. Usually in the form of new furniture, carpets, a complete remodel, or even a new house.


Shutt – A contraction of the tractor name “Cockshutt”. Used in place of “shit” to keep the potty filter from blocking your post. See also: Potty Filter


Single Participant Reproduction – A euphemistic way of telling someone to go **** themselves. Usage: I invite you to explore the joys of single-participant reproduction.


Skillet – Any correction or deletion by Miss Kim. If your post got deleted, you just “got the Skillet”.


Skillet Light – A gentle warning that your topic or language is skating on thin ice, and Miss Kim is about to give you the skillet.


Skillet Mistress – Miss Kim, YT’s site owner and hostess.


Skunk Sausage/Jerky – Augie from Missery is quite the hunter, or so he claims. He processes a good deal of his own meat. In addition to the more traditional venison, beef and pork, Augie (being the thrifty sort) will also process roadkill into sausage or jerky. For the jerky particularly, the longer the subject has lain in the hot Missouri sun and the more times it’s been run over by a jacked up pickup with 36” mudders and a cab full of baccy-chawin’ rednecks, the better.


Slo lean – A driving style designed to provide maximum weight transfer when tractor pulling. Named for Slo Mo, who needs all the help he can get, seeing as he pulls with a Minnecrapolis-Moldine. Fortunately, Slo eats quite regularly and does his bit to keep brewery crews employed, so leaning waaaaaaaaay back in the driver’s seat does actually transfer a measurable amount of weight to the rear wheels of his rusty mount, Chainstart Lightning.


Spelling Police – The folks who take offense at posts that have spelling and/or grammar errors. Intentional misspellings, such as “hadda” for “had to” and other localisms and vernacular are to some degree exempt, but the misuse of “to” “too” and “two” for example, will be jumped on in a heartbeat. I personally am ambivalent about it. If one is trying to impart accurate information, ask an involved question or make a complex point, spelling and grammar are important. If one is just screwing around on Tales, who gives a rat?


Starving Pygmy Prayer – A sometimes effective penance for an IST-qualifying post. Goes something like "Lord, please be with the starving pygmies in New Guinea. Amen." Thought to stave off IST or a skilleting, but not 100% effective. (Stolen from Larry the Cable Guy)


Styled – Around 1938 or 1939, tractor makers felt their product was established well enough that they could start adding such non-functional frippery as sheet metal, strictly for appearance sake. Tractors prior to this time were very basic indeed, having no sheet metal outside gas tanks and the occasional hood or fender and are now referred to as “unstyled”. None of which has anything whatsoever to do with the Taler’s use of the term. Not surprisingly, the terms “styled” and “unstyled” are used in describing the female of the species. An “unstyled” female (contrary to conventional logic) is the preferred type, as it indicates that she was wearing no more sheet metal than absolutely required, and possibly less. The “unstyled” female is most often observed in the warmer months.


SWMBO – She Who Must Be Obeyed. The spousal unit. CinCHouse. Commander of the Budget, Keeper of the HoneyDo list. The Mrs. The Better Half. Or, if you MUST be mundane, one’s wife…


Taler – Anyone who regularly posts or lurks on the Tales board. The list of regulars runs to 25 or 30 people, and God only knows how many lurkers there may be.


Taler Olympics – Any of an assortment of unusual, dangerous, demented “Hey, hold my beer and watch this” sort of activities. See also: Trailer Surfing


Taler Physique- All Talers are, by definition, 6-foot-4, with wavy blond hair and 6-pack abs. Except for those that are shorter, taller, bald and/or beer-bellied. Well, okay, so MOST of us are fat and bald. Wanna make something of it?


Talerban – The politically Right (take that however you like) faction of Talers. Known for their nearly universal lack of sympathy for folks who suffer the consequences of their own stupidity or are too lazy or welfare-dependent to get a damn job. While you’d think that folks would take offense at being labeled with a term derived from the Afghanistani Taliban, most of us wear the title with pride. See also: Gerbil, Lieburral


Taler Reunion – A gala festival of fun, food and facetiousness, graciously hosted by Slo at Poverty Knob and catered by our own Bayou Dave. More fun than is generally considered legal. I have yet to manage to attend, due to it’s location somewhere west of Wear the Fox Hat, but I keep working on a plan…


Tin – Sheet metal. Or, in Talerspeak, clothing. As in “She didn’t have much tin!” See also: Styled


tinfoil hat – Some of the stranger posts on Tales appear to originate from folks who are susceptible to mind control by Aliens from Outer Space. Statistically, these folks are also likely to be Lieburrals. Wearing a tinfoil chapeaux is reputed to deflect the Mind Ray that causes such aberrant behavior. Apparently, there is a world-wide tinfoil shortage…


Tractor Ride – One’s reward for making a major dent in the HoneyDo list. Usually accomplished between consenting adults behind closed doors (or perhaps in a grain bin…). More rarely, actually starting a tractor and going for a ride around the block.


Tractor Seat – One’s derriere. As in “I slipped in a grease spot in the garage and fell on my tractor seat”.


Trailer surfing – A recognized Taler Olympics sport. It consists of parking a truck and trailer combination with the truck pointing downhill (the steeper the better) and then loading a particularly heavy tractor or other implement onto an improperly braced trailer. When the weight of the tractor being loaded is sufficient to squat the trailer to the point that the trailer hitch picks up the rear wheels of the truck (thereby obviating the effect of having the transmission in park and the emergency brake set) one may begin “surfing” the entire unit down the hill. Points are awarded for distance, style and the length of the tear one’s nethermost cheeks rip in the seat cover on the tractor being loaded.


TuTu by FoFo – Originally, Big Mike was accused of wearing a tutu with his Moldy Boots. Considering that Big Mike actually is big (notwithstanding his claims to stallion-like equipment) it was obvious that a normal tutu wouldn’t fit, so it was upgraded to a tutu by fofo.


Turbo Goat – A Dodge truck with the turbocharged Cummins diesel engine option. What God drives. What every REAL man wishes he drove.


Unstyled – A tractor, or preferably an attractive female, with a minimum of sheet metal. See also: Styled


VACuum – A Case VAC model tractor. Like all Cases, it sucks. Sorry, I meant to say it “creates a vacuum”.


Vulture – A person who lies in wait for some poor unfortunate to get himself in a financial bind sufficiently desperate to force the sale of a tractor. Said vulture then swoops down and scarfs up a perfectly usable tractor at bargain-basement prices and re-sells it at his leisure for a tidy little profit. AKA a capitalist. Generally held in a sneaky sort of admiration.


Wand Boy – A former employee in my former life as a computer consultant. Fired from his job at a school for sending teenage female students pictures of his, ahem, “wand”.


Wear da Fox Hat – One of my favorite Talerisms. Indicates confusion over the exact location of a place. Usage: “Poverty Knob? Wear the Fox Hat?” (Say it fast, and think about it…)


Welded chain – If one sees two tractors chained together, both are moving, and the one in front is a Minnecrapolis Moldine (or even a Case) one may assume that the tractor in the rear is actually pushing the one in front via the use of a chain with the links welded together for use as a push bar. This is done out of a Taler’s natural soft-heartedness and unwillingness to further embarrass the poor unfortunate who is steering the MM.


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot – Another acronym, of military origin, using the military phonetic alphabet. WTF…What The F***? Usage: “WTF was I thinking?”